Are You a Corporate Sheep?

1. Your boss posts an incredibly cringe, unfunny meme in the company Slack group chat. You...

• Reply instantly with 'Pure genius, boss!' and pin it.
• Drop a custom rubber duck icon and quietly mute the channel forever.
• Ignore it. You are currently browsing memes on Reddit on company time.

2. It is Friday at 4:55 PM. A 'critical crisis' notification pings. Your response?

• Re-open your laptop, cancel your date, and apologize to your boss for breathing.
• Set your Slack status to 'Deep Focus Mode (Offline till Monday)' and close the lid.
• Your laptop battery conveniently 'dies' at 4:56 PM. Total radio silence.

3. Your boss asks to 'hop on a quick 5-minute sync' at 6:30 PM. What happens next?

• You join instantly and stay for 90 minutes nodding like a bobblehead doll.
• Text back: 'Would love to, but my Wi-Fi router just caught fire! Bummer!'
• You don't reply. You automated your status indicator to look busy while at the gym.

4. The CEO announces a brand new corporate slogan: 'Synergize Our Passion.' You...

• Immediately add it to your email signature and LinkedIn headline.
• Use it ironically in internal emails to mock your coworkers.
• Set up a filter to automatically archive all emails containing the word 'Synergize'.

5. A mandatory 'Team Building' pizza party is scheduled for Saturday morning. You...

• Show up 30 minutes early wearing company merch and volunteer to slice the pizza.
• Attend, eat exactly your fair share of cheap pepperoni, say nothing, and slip out the back door.
• Suddenly test positive for a highly contagious, fictional variant of the flu via a photoshopped test strip.

6. During your annual performance review self-evaluation, for your 'weaknesses' you write...

• 'I care too much about perfection and sometimes work too hard for the family.'
• Copy-paste a generic response from ChatGPT that sounds deeply professional but means absolutely nothing.
• Leave it entirely blank because your automated script handles your actual output anyway.

7. Your professional LinkedIn profile looks like...

• A temple of corporate worship. 'Honored and humbled to announce I attended a 4-hour synergy seminar!'
• Completely outdated and set to private, used exclusively to look for a 20% salary bump elsewhere.
• Non-existent. You use a fake name on the platform to protect your three simultaneous remote contracts.

8. You discover a new AI tool that automates 95% of your weekly tasks. You...

• Proudly show it to your manager to demonstrate initiative, resulting in your team being downsized.
• Use it secretly to finish everything in 2 hours, then spend the rest of the week 'polishing' it on screen.
• Deploy it across multiple remote jobs and spend your afternoons playing video games or sleeping.

9. A Monday morning 8:00 AM Zoom call strictly requires 'Cameras On.' You...

• Put on a crisp ironed shirt, set a professional corporate background, and sit perfectly upright.
• Wear a nice shirt over pajama bottoms, and stream a pre-recorded 5-second video loop of yourself nodding.
• Claim your webcam is experiencing a critical driver conflict while staying in bed under the blanket.

10. HR sends a calendar invite for an unscheduled meeting titled 'Organizational Update.' You...

• Prepare a detailed presentation on why you love the company culture, hoping to save your skin.
• Open your resume on your secondary monitor while waiting to see how many months of severance they offer.
• Don't care. Your automated freelance outreach campaigns are already live and pulling in fresh leads.